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March 18 La VidaI’ve been las-morochas for six weeks till now, which means 1/13 of my life far away from my family and homecountry has gone. I hope the flollowing days could pass faster and faster. During the six months I didn’t write one letter about the life here. It’s not because I’m so busy that have no time to write, but when I can write something freely, I have no internet access and have no even laptop with me. Besides, I feel it’s very hard to explain life in oilfield to people out of this industry, even when I talk it with my family and boyfriend. I remember very clearly the days when I prepared for the entrance exam of graduate school solely, the days changed between confident and anxious, steady and doubtful periodically, the kind of feeling that nobody can really understand your pain and give you effective help except yourself. Through these six weeks I reviewed that pain and feeling, and I think I get more clear about the best way to get rid of a fear is to place yourself in the difficulty and do something. When you begin to deal with it, it will be easier than you imagine. Now I’ll try to describe my life objectively, and since it’s hard to be objective, it may be the last time I would write about it. In fact the biggest problem is language barrier. Most people here don’t speak or understand English, even in the company. In the people I have met here, just field engineers and 2 field specialists can speak english with me, all else are just Spanish speaker. And most important, our clients are native oil company and their working language is Spanish of course. As a result, all of meetings, job proposals, documents are used Spanish. For such kind of people lack of language talent like me, it’s horrible. I use 10 years to learn english and still can’t express myself exactly, it’s not possible to learn spanish quickly. At the beginning I was rather angry why even people who has colledage eduction can’t speak English, why the company don’t tell us Spanish is mandatory here before I came here. Now I can face the fact, but still feel lack of courage to learn a new language from 0. There are too much things I have to learn from 0. So until now, I just can speak simple greeting phrases, and choose to be a dump girl most of time. ====================================================================================== to be continued… When I update this draft, I have been 7 weeks here now. Let me check how much time I can finish this… ************************************************************************************** spot announcement I came back from a job in the Lake which lasted 5 days and finally suspended… Now I’m stuggling with the post-job paperwork. When I escape from graduate school, I thought I can breat out from paper, report. Now, I just find paperwork is so so so important, in whatever job you choose… I can’t take the notebook back to my staffhouse, and i can’t write blog in work time, and i’m lazy, :) .So I guess it’ll take me very very long time to finish that. For people who concern me, thank you very much! I’m ok, not so negative as my writing appears, :). ************************************************************************************** Updated Compared to language, the other problems seems no big deal, though i believe most of my girl friends, work in tidy and comodious office tower, dress pretty and decent, will never like this job. Before I came here, when I saw the pictures or work videos, pumps, chemicals, noise, oil stain, unpleasant mixed dormitories, I doubted if I can adapt it. But when I came here, get into the barge, all of these seems natural. In fact when I put on the blue coverall, I and the other people forget about my gender. I thought why company choose me to the field for many times. I’m definitely not that kind of person very curious and energetic, eagar to try, learn and explore more new and different things. Now I think Schlumberger may prefer 2 kinds of people, the first is of course that kind i described, the other is not so active, but is responsible and practical, and don’t ask too much about life. I think I may be the second one. The first month is really difficult. For many resons I couldn’t buy a venezuela simcard until one month later, and since we can’t take laptops back, we don’t have internet home, I can’t use skype in the company network… it’s rather difficult for me to contact my family. Now it’s much better, though other problems come out, :). It seems that everytime I just fix one others will pop out. But from a optimistic view, maybe i can take it as everytime a problem pops out, you can find a way to figure it out finally. ===================================================================================== Updated Well, I really never thought that I can’t finish it during 3 months preschool… After the first months, things went on much better. I bought a simcard in Venezuela, and found a way to make cheaper call to China. I think I will never forget when I first got my boyfriend’s call nearly one month after I arrived VE (there is no fix phone in my staff house and I don’t want to use my roomate’s cellphone), the feeling is so complicated, I could say nothing and just crying for half an hour. And then we found even use Skype, the fee is still not nice if call Venezuela cellphone… Although the language problem still existed, but the people in my base are really nice. My roomate is a very beautiful, intelligent(She doesn’t like people just pay attention to her face, haha, she is already a GFE) and kind girl. For those job supervisors and helpers, although most of them don’t speak English, but they are so consolidate and acute, they could always find some emotional “turbulence” of me and then make jokes to let me laugh. Once I gave them hands to do something, they will say i’m a good partner. That always make me feel guilt bcz I just can help a little. For those guys who can speak English, I always bother them to help with some questions and they are so patient. Sometimes I can’t explain quite well, they also can’t exactly describe what they mean, but they will still try, repeat, to make me clear. And they looks even happier then myself when I finally understand… They are the people who exposed to tough and dangerous enviorment, they are those who do the most exausting job, they are those who on the first line to make contribution. I highly respect them, maybe partially because the father of my boyfriend is also a worker in oilfield, ^_^. The third month of my preschool was tough again. Because I had to prepare for the entrance exam of OTS, and had so many task lists unfinished. I think I really lack of Initiative. I didn’t know I have to do so many things until I got the letter from OTS 4 weeks before the school. Although most of the tasks could be found in some references, but I didn’t check them or really pay attention, just did what I thought I should do instead. Although I was also a software Engineer. But that “Engineer” is too different with “Engineer” in production industry. I didn’t know I should operate the pumps, pods several times by myself, I didn’t know I should know which kind of oil we use in Powerend… August 09 今天的天气真好啊站在公司的露台上，看到北大太平洋的高楼，烟雾一样的远山，遮住了夕阳，遮不住绯红 的一路延伸的霞光，微妙的光线慢慢变浅。 天空是少见的蓝色，风吹起来把裙子灌得鼓鼓的。仰着头站着，背景是北四环上滚滚的车 流声，想起心动那部电影，男主角躺在天台上拍下的一幅一幅寂寞的天空。心动那部电影 我不太喜欢，总觉得好自私。可是这个细节确实让人心动。 嗯，以后老了，能有个视野不错的阳台，画每天的天空就好了。 快要check out了，真舍不得这个露台。 July 14 杂记最近事情很多，我又是个心里有点事就觉得乱糟糟放不下的人，所以也懒得上来说活了。
上星期三，去听了张美阳的毕业独唱会，很感动很感动。这个姐姐在台上的时候，真的是shining阿！真的很羡慕她，除了本身美丽的声音和气质，还羡慕她扎实的声乐和器乐的基础，羡慕她有这么一群磨合了这么久的同伴，羡慕她能在毕业的时候开这么一场精彩的音乐会。每次想到什么光荣与梦想这样的词我都会觉得很神圣。因为我是个如此平凡又现实的人，我好像都没有什么特别觉得自己真的想去做的事情，只是一直在做折衷和平衡。所以看到有人做到了这样的或者接近这样的事情也会觉得很感动。唉，说不清楚，如今我已经太钝了，越来越难把一个事情表述清楚了。忍不住一个人一路唱着歌走回来，好像一些东西又被唤回了，忍不住惊叹于音乐的力量。那个姐姐说她在北大六年，一半的课余时间都献给了合唱团，这一点我完全相信。研一的时候，我只是参加例行的小排和周六的排练，就觉得自己可支配的时间不够多了。那些还要参加小课的同学，还有团长、caicai、声部长们。。。，要花多少时间和精力，坚持下来真的很不容易。有时候觉得，如果我也能抽出这些时间来踏实下来好好学习，是不是现在也可以得到很大的进步，但是，我真的兼顾不了，我只能把唱歌当成一种业余的爱好，甚至是消遣。真正热爱音乐的人们，请原谅我。。。
七月六号开题了，原以为是走个过场就Ok了，结果是很tough阿，嗯，老师说我的题目写的太宽泛了，又不像是要实现一个系统，又没有聚焦到一两个点上，所以虽然形式上让我过了，但是要求我重新写开题报告。自己也意识到了上述的问题，但是没有想到这么严重，所以一开始还觉得挺轻松，后来差点撑不住。然后这周平时也没有什么时间来重新调研什么的，到现在还拖在那里，头痛，真的不想碰了，可是也不能再拖了，一下午就坐在这里纠结中！
实习的算法coding基本已经结束，可是离论文描述的效果不是差一点半点，不知道到底是在哪块曲解了论文，还是训练集不够好，还是算法本身就不够general.反正现在自己就是在那里这里调调参数，那里换个梯度算子什么的瞎试试。总觉得没有到点子上，而且狂没有成就感。mentor现在在一边细看论文一边整理我的代码。我觉得非常的惭愧，因为觉得不应该让他陷入到这种细节中，如果这些细节都需要他面面俱到，那他根本不必要招我啊。mentor真的是个好小伙！只是我为什么不能利索点，：（
上周末，去舅舅家看刚国外回来的哥哥。哥哥从小在北京长大，其实和我一共没见过几次面。但是我还是觉得很亲切，可能是因为相似的“IT”背景和可能会很相似的职业道路的原因，哈。我觉得我是个非常不擅于倾听的人啊，一路上一直是我在喋喋不休现在的状况和对将来工作的想法，完全没有去考虑也许哥哥好不容易回来一趟是要好好休息放松的，也许他并不想还是纠结于这些问题中，也许这些问题也只适合一个人静下心来好好想。感觉最近自己的想法又有所改变，但是自身的局限性太大了，即使现在想要转变，也没有什么时间了。没办法，也许有的弯路，即使你知道它是弯路，还是不得不走一趟。
然后这周还是在调参数。周二和部分团员去软件所的毕业典礼唱歌。因为人数、钢琴、选歌、时间等种种问题，唱得那个叫。。。总之觉得，让马上要离开的博士硕士们听这样的歌，实在是最后的一个非常不愉快的记忆。真的很抱歉。周三参加了一个实习的培训，又是一天，这周的事情真的干得相当少。
最后，说一下昨天晚上的三周年专场。嗯，只说一句，不管其他人是什么感受，我把自己感动到了，真的。我和站一起的cp mm以前从来没有一起演出过，昨天却仿佛天然的默契，这真是一种奇妙非常的感觉。想起没能够参加演出的dl、tufei mm，感到自己非常的幸运。我真希望爸爸妈妈能看到这场演出。以后演出的机会越来越少了，我要珍惜这些不多的闪亮记忆。
October 09 补记九月九月份一个字都没写，一开始是刚到分所又琐碎又乱没力气，后来就是彻底的不想写了。
现在倒是庆幸什么也没写，否则大家一定会看到一堆很愤怒青年的让人心情不是很愉快，也不是很负责任的言辞。 长假回家被妈妈好好的教训了一顿，想想这个月来所有的事情确实都搞得一团糟。自己也早就发现现在的状态很不好很不好，上班的时候不知道干了些什么就下班了，下班回到宿舍就坐到电视前一边觉得播着的八卦娱乐无聊透顶一边连调台都懒得调。 终究还不是自觉的人啊，离开学校的环境，研一时候的一点上进心好像都消磨掉了。 唯一好像有些收获的，就是自己终于明白原来的消极态度是不可取的，终于明白什么样的生活和工作环境更适合自己，也算是拿了整整一个月的时间买了个教训吧。幸好自己还算年轻，这时候的弯路还不算什么。
接下来，适应不能改变的，争取能改变的吧。
少说话，多干活。OVER August 19 今日之日回家了一周，紧接着又去了两周西部，过了好多天远离网络的日子，回来一看百合登不上了，space升级成现在的怪模样，大有沉舟烂柯之感。
西部一行收益良多，感慨良多，反而吐不出一个字。加上一回来原来没看的论文，没处理完的琐事一下都堆积起来了，也就懒得写。现在想想两周前我还在抱着沉沉的行李包赶火车，在青海湖旁吹着咸湿的风，站在草原上看远处翻卷的白云下茸茸的迷离的山，坐在大巴上看远处灿烂的油菜花和向日葵，和mm们手拉着手一起唱歌不时使几个会心的颜色，突然就觉得恍惚，好像是一个很长但又很快的梦境，醒来一片怅然。
本来打算好了这周就去上海，可是这边的宿舍迟迟分不下来，一方面搞得工作上很被动，另一方面也稍稍地酝酿了些离愁。道别的话说了两三遍人还在这里，真是有些啼笑皆非。剪不断，理又乱。不如决绝一点，反应不及人就到了上海，干净利落，反而能给人给己留一个干净明亮的笑脸。
我很喜欢流光这个词，或者说一个意象。流光容易把人抛，我喜欢参与到一些人和事中，但是又站在外围保持一种疏离，带一点旁观者的自由。但是谁知道呢，流光容易把人抛，或许是因为知道自己留不住，所以只好自己先跑开。
今天和上海的师兄师妹聊了一会，都是很nice很温暖的人，还蛮投机的。其实去上海，肯定是一件好事，有机会多换一些环境，多见识一下，多跟老师同学交流，总是好的。只是人总是有一些惯性，虽然明知变化的结果是好的，可是变化的过程还是会有点难过。
晚上从实验室出来，又想起那首明月照海洋，银星满长空来了，抬头盯了半天，只搜到了一颗星，北京的天空亚。
弃我去者，昨日之日不可留
乱我心者，今日之日多烦忧
长风万里送秋雁，
对此可堪酣高楼。
赶紧来阵大风把我送走吧
June 12 二十二周岁生日&毕业一周年记眉间长了整整一年的痘痘终于偃旗息鼓，偶的21周岁也已去不返了。小百合上又充满了毕业聚餐贴，算算离毕业，也差不多一周年。
今年真的觉得自己是get older了。在看娱乐节目突然发现都是86、87的小帅哥小美女们的时候，在妈妈开始关心起偶的个人问题的时候。特别是又一次在公车上经过清华附中，呼啦拉涌上一拨抱着各式参考书的高中生，又看到熟悉的龙门书局、重难点手册……字眼的时候，重新回想起已经非常模糊的，一边啃着学案习题、一边胡思乱想看天色逐渐变黑的日子，才知道自己真的是大了。
一次去超市，一个初中生模样的小姑娘开口就叫我阿姨，还把我郁闷了半天，也不过二十出头嘛，真是的。然后突然想起来小时候，曾住过一个院子的姐姐结婚了，不知道该叫她姐姐还是阿姨的苦恼，呵呵。
大二时设定生日的文曲星，现在打开还会蹦出十九岁生日快乐的信息，让人感觉似乎被偷走了几年的时光。不过随着时间的流逝，我也还是有所成长的。毕业一年来，感觉自己还是成熟了许多，开始考虑将来，开始考虑自己的不足，开始有责任感，开始收敛原来的散漫努力静下心来。不过我想其他工作了的、飞跃的、留校的同学们一定有更大的收获吧。我要加油啊。
Flora说的对，二十刚出头，多少人羡慕都来不及，所以我就也不在这里酸了，也不知道是不是最近听那个“王的男人”的主题曲听多了，好哀怨阿（不过还是很好听的）。要更加珍惜以后的日子，学好玩好休息好，哈哈。
最后感谢一直陪在我身边的朋友们，感谢爸爸妈妈，并祝自己生日快乐。 January 27 Turning转眼又到新年了，好快啊，像是电影的镜头，一转身，一切都已经换了模样。笑容还是那 个笑容，可是眉目之间，总有些不可逆转的转变，有点惶恐。 过去的一年，经历了一些变化，得到了很多人的帮助。有一段时间一直处于浮躁焦虑之中 ，幸而最后还是沉静下来感到略有成长。 坐在这里敲这些文字，感到星星点点的愉悦和感激。对于将来，还是不很明晰，但是总算 理出一点头绪，不再畏首畏尾，裹足不前。希望明年能够持续这样的心态，过得简单充盈 。 这一年要感谢的人太多了，所谓恩深不言谢，实在墨尽辞穷，只在这里衷心祝愿大家新年 快乐，万事如意！ 特别提醒两位远隔重洋的mm，一定要开心快乐，不要对自己太严苛了！ November 30 何其芳——花环November 22 听，是谁在唱歌周日去信息学院的迎新晚会上唱歌了，呵呵，和班里的一个美女重唱刘若英和黄韵玲的“听，是谁在唱歌”，特别喜欢的歌，特别是黄韵玲的副旋，在毕业的时候唱过很多遍。在台上自己一点都听不到效果，也不知道究竟怎么样，希望没有把喜欢的东西唱坏。
平生第一次化妆，第一次在非夏天穿裙子，妈妈说我打扮一下还是有些前途的，哈哈，当然了！有位美女的blog里写道:我们的青春是如此美丽，没人欣赏也没有关系，嗯，拿来自恋一下。
最近发现自己好像一直在补大学的东西，但是还是很不同很不同。
昨天良心发现去上了一回创业管理，老师推荐了一篇文章，“谁抛弃了中国”，很犀利，很有思想的文章，再一次发现自己是多么的浅薄。There're so many things should be learnt。 May 23 数日18号 |
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