莲 舟

不喜欢五月天的歌。但是去年在地铁看到“后青春期的诗”的宣传海报，还是把宣传词念了一遍又一遍。“青春之后，认输之前”，对于当时的我，清楚现实，有所挣扎，但是还是不愿走被“世俗”普遍认同的轻松愉快的生活道路，抱着自诩为“清流”的生存方式不放。其实现在想来，非“世俗”也，实“社会”也；非“不愿”也，实“不能”也。现在的我，再跟自己较了大半年的劲之后，虽然还是不肯认输，但是越来越觉得，我就快认输了。

在ｓｃｈｏｏｌ的两个半月，虽然也疲惫，但是却几乎让我忘了ｐｒｅｓｃｈｏｏｌ的种种不便，不适，怀疑，反复。回国的时候去ｂｇｃ，还兴高采烈觉得是辛苦但是也很骄傲。现在回委内瑞拉又有一个月了，那些感觉又回来了，甚至变本加厉了。

其实还是老问题。一个中心，两个基本点。围绕着我还是不懂西班牙语的这个中心，生活里没有班车，上下班基本依赖于人，基本没有网络没有电话；工作里开会基本听不懂，基本ｃａｌｌ不了ｊｏｂ，基本就是文印员档案管理员。我知道问题总是有办法解决的，逃避是没有用的，当午之急还是抓紧攻克西班牙语这个纸老虎，＂ｆｉｎｄ　ａ　ｎｅｗ　ｍｙｓｅｌｆ＂．．．可是好遗憾，当我只能按照室友的时间表来做我的事情，当我只有在早上上班的一点时间才能偷偷摸摸跟家人男朋友ｍｓｎ一会的时候，我觉得我的精力就被耗损了一半了。当我在ｃｕｂｉｃ念念有词背最基本的单词，旁边的工程师开会，讨论，分设计的时候都不叫我，只把整理ｊｏｂ　ｓｕｍｍａｒｙ，ｔｉｃｋｅｔ这样费时不费力的事情交给我的时候，我的热情又耗费了一半。来field之前，有人跟我说他最痛苦的时期，天天出去一边搬管子抡大锤，一边郁闷地思考为什么slb要给他这么多钱来做这种事情。我当时还暗想，不用动脑筋就有钱拿，这不是挺好。但是换我现在，才知道这样的状态是多么的磨人。有时候我觉得怀疑自己，是不是真的太没有initiative了，为什么出来之前不能好好上个语言班呢；有时候觉得很内疚，觉得自己没有贡献完全是透明人；有时候又觉得很愤怒，既然这个job西班牙语是必须得，为什么招我的时候不说清楚呢，既然我在这里也帮不上什么实质性的忙，为什么不能送我去语言学校呢。

我知道应该着眼于问题的主线，但是每天还是忍不住被网一样的琐事所困扰。然后一天下来，晕头晕脑的回到宿舍，慢慢煮一锅面条慢慢吃完，什么也不想。最害怕的就是有各种farewell party, birthday party. 为了不要表现得不合群，每次我还都尽量参加，然后从十点呆到一两点。在这些party里，背景是欢快嘈杂的salsa之类，但是大家却很少跳舞。就是交谈，啤酒或者饮料。绝大多数时间我都神游在自己的世界里，或者拿出手机装模做样。当然，这里的人很热情，不会完全不注意到我，总是会想些觉得这里怎么样喜不喜欢这里之类的话题。开始的时候我很感激，但是后来也疲于千篇一律礼貌的回答。是啊，我喜欢这里。我怎么可能喜欢这里呢，连当地人都承认这里是ve最ugly的小镇，我在这里甚至买不到可以打电话回中国的电话卡每次要托人从maturin带。最晚又一次呆到三点的时候我真是出离愤怒了，我可以接受上井的时候熬夜，这是工作没有办法。但是平时，为什么要这么无谓地损害自己的健康。你们甚至都不跳舞，到底有什么这么有趣一直可以blablabla这么久！我在手机里狠狠地骂了一通发誓下次绝对不再参加，质疑自己为什么要远离亲人然后把时间花在这个完全不同的世界，当然，这条短信仍然躺在我的草稿箱，发不到中国。

我还记得当时选择这个工作的初衷。当然，钱是一个重要的因素，但是我也一直告诫自己仅仅为了钱工作是一件可悲的事情，除此之外，还有一些理想主义的东西。在三年水分很大的研究生生活里，我觉得花那么多精力在某个数据库上提高几个百分点，离实际应用那么远，到底有什么意义呢。因此，我渴望能有一份让我真正觉得务实的工作，真正能提高我的一些能力。除此之外，因为我一直缺乏安全感，觉得人生中不可避免难题多多，所以希望趁自己还年轻，把难的问题尽量多解决一些。可是，我现在越来越觉得，我只是为了钱在工作了。我也有一些收获（这些收获多数来自两个半月的school,真的很怀念），但是大概更多地是再次证明了自己的“适应性”。我并不以此为荣，“忍”使我最不需要学习的东西了。我应该更多地去解决问题而不是忍耐。在很多时候，我也试图积极地引导自己，我希望通过这个工作提高自己的能力，可是能力的提高不就是在一堆难题的环境下才逼出来的么，我应该勇敢地直面他们阿。可是坚持不了多久我又觉得既不能攘外又不能安内，内忧外患，身心俱疲，就想躲在自己的世界里什么也不想什么也不做了。

前几天下了个“少有人走的路”瞄了瞄。讲到自律那里，举了个吃蛋糕先吃奶油还是先吃蛋糕的例子。我就是个会把最好的留到最后的人。可是生活远远不是吃蛋糕这么简单。比如，可能甜美的想留到最后回味可是中途却变坏了，也可能后来你发现不喜欢吃奶油了改fan拉面了。于是你在最喜欢吃而且有的吃的时候忍着没吃，最后也不想吃了。我记得还看过一句话说Winner always know to postpone current enjoyment to get happiness in the future. 不过现在想来还应该有半句，but only postpone your current enjoyment doesn’t mean you can get real happiness and be a winner… 我在高中的时候盼大学，大学的时候仍然对未来迷茫无比，上了研呢寄希望于工作后，工作了又开始推迟到两年后。于是推啊推啊，推到26了，已经站在青春的尾巴上了，winner看来够不上了，生活生活也没享受了。我知道我的症结所在，就是虽然我在忍耐，在努力，但是从来就没有努力到那个真正解决问题的临界点我就没有力气了，山腰上的石头又滚下了山脚。如果我就是突破不了那个点，我是不是应该就在山谷停留下来看看风景呢，也很好啊。怎样的一生不是一生呢。

不知道是不是每个人都有自己心底的问题，或者不想说出来，或者不能够清楚地描述出来。就像北京冬天的风，在楼房巷道里左冲右突，你知道有风刮过，却不能说出它的方向。这个比喻还不够准确。你看自己的语言自己尚且不够满意，又如何能期望别人能够理解呢。即使是至亲至好，也有不可说说不了的话，何况还有时间空间巨大的阻隔呢。你那里已经席簟生凉，我这里却永远是酷暑炎炎。少年总是嘲笑古人伤春悲秋自寻烦恼。哪里知道不是真的哀愁掉落的花朵跌落的镜子，而是感怀人世一样跳脱不了那共通的规律罢了。

偏题了。难道没有警告过自己吗，不能看圆满的故事，也不能看悲伤的结局。要tough tough 再tough, 务实务实再务实。sensitive的人不容易快乐，哀而不伤是骗自己的。华婧说，用所有的寂寞时光为自己鼓掌。我现在还不能为自己鼓掌。我也不可能扔下这样的残局逃跑。我记得小的时候班级清明节班级组织去纪念馆，回来的时候又渴又饿，那个路仿佛长得不得了。那时候我只好骗自己说，再走100米，前面的小楼就是我家拉。走到那个小楼，再假设下一个一百米可以到家。现在，我要祭起这个小伎俩，假装下个月的今天，我就可以回家。

25了(周岁)。上周该写的，周末懒了一下, 就拖到这周末了。

在这个生日其实是期望值很低的。不知道是变成熟了，还是做了Field Engineer的关系，对于这些小情小调的事情看得也淡了。而且在school也比较有压力。斗争几次无果后也接受了男友心思不密也懒得花心思的事实，呵呵。不过早早的，美国时间11号，就收到了爸妈的祝贺邮件，然后是mm们的问候，男友妈妈的留言。并且我家大大咧咧的Deer居然也还记得，虽然到底还是没给我说一句生日快乐，呵呵。谢谢你们，很温暖。

12号早上的班车上，班里的苏格兰同学一看见我就跟我说Happy birthday。我还挺诧异，貌似跟班里的同学没提过，大概是facebook上看到的？小感动了一下。到了KTC, 换了工服工鞋下山干活。刚设置完FracCAT要轮到我当Job Supervisor, 紧张着的时候，雨点多起来，黑压压的云滚动起来，据说有飓风警报。于是大家终于进了一次传说中的Tornado shelter，然后在乒乒乓乓的雨声回响下给我唱了生日歌。顿时想到这个第一次在国外的生日似乎真有点特别。

周五下完课跟同学一起去看了场棒球赛。其实我连规则都不知道，然后我的词汇量也不够明白同学的解释，就在爆米花热狗摇头晃脑看美女跟主场球迷一起起哄尖叫中耗完了比赛。心想花了6美元尖叫发泄了一下，然后也算参加了一次team building还算值。正准备走呢，看别人还没有挪窝的样子。纳闷中场馆的灯熄灭了，然后一簇亮光蹿上来在半空爆掉散开一片星星，焰火表演。到了这个时候真正兴奋起来，仰着脖子看头顶忽明忽暗的天空，灿烂的焰火，散开后的白色烟幕，南美小伙大声祝我生日快乐的声音，裙摆被风鼓起，心里也满满的喜欢，真是个美好的夜晚。

回想起上次这么近距离的看焰火，是去年元宵的时候，跟Deer一起在新科祥园看小区集中放烟花。大人小孩都一派喜庆。正热闹者的时候有一点没燃尽的焰火掉到眼皮上，吓了一跳，Deer亲亲我的眼睛跟我说没事。站了一个多小时吧，还没放完呢，已经快到671的末班车时间了才撤回来。我上了去青年公寓的天桥，Deer一路小跑去知春路赶末班车，跑一半回过头冲我招手。这样恍恍惚惚的温暖，在我和Deer两个又宅又懒，实用主义，典型理工科穷学生的简简单单的恋爱里，算是为数不多跟浪漫搭点边的经历吧。呵呵

25岁了。虽然某些我绝对不自己掏钱买的“时尚”杂志已经在宣扬我这个年纪要开始轻抗衰了，我却觉得自己要比以前十七八，或二十刚出头的时候漂亮，美好，自信。对于未来，我还是没有想得清楚，但是我已经开始在职业生涯上开始不坏的第一步。我充分地尊重和认同现在的工作，虽然仍需痛苦的努力来证明我能胜任它。对于大学里莫名其妙浪费的时光，从众胆怯的心理状态，我遗憾但是也接受，也许我就是这样慢半拍的人，不能强求当时的我能做到别人一样出色优异。他们有他们的energic, leadership, 我也有我的adaptive和平和心态。而且，也许我这段其实也就是顺其自然中规中矩那么回事的经历，在某些时刻回想起来，也是传奇，哈哈。

25岁了，我觉得这可能是我人生中最美好的时候。也有遗憾不能让Deer看到。所以，我要尽量的维持和保护它，至少到我回到你身边的时刻。

Over, or to be continue…? :)

Another fracturing training class, begun 2 months before ours, did the final presentation today.

In this class, 6 out of 11 members failed and get fired.

It’s just unbelievable that they even fire people on the last day of training!

I don’t know what will happen in our class.

Before I came here, I didn’t really care if I would fail. I thought that of course it’s good if I can pass the school successfully and keep my job, but if else, i get fired, i can go back china and get married.

But now, I feel scared, I don’t know what I still have if I can’t make it.

到tulsa第三周。累，不想在费脑筋写英文了。

非常抱歉三个月时间没把preschool的日志完成。貌似我经常干这种没有下文的事情。

school一共十周。挂两次考试就回家。就前两周的情况来看，还没有到令人发指的地步。

但每周的quiz, presentation，perception之前，熬夜是免不了的。也许就是一个压力游戏。很奇怪的是，我大部分的时间都还没进入状态。总觉得挂了就拉倒，回国去我还挺高兴的呢。公司知道我居然这么消极地应对培训，应该立刻会给我发warning letter得吧。于是我总是在上课和平时拖拖拉拉游神一般，但是到考试的前一天晚上，开始为了考试本身忧虑。觉得面对一张考卷什么也不会满头大汗的状态远比不及格这个结果还恐怖。于是逼着自己收敛起来看到凌晨看不下去为止。

想我上大学的时候，从来没有在12：30之后睡觉，上了研，年纪大了，啥啥都开始往negative发展了，反而开始熬夜了。

好像痛苦的事情，白天总是要逃避不想做，只能通过熬夜才能一点点磨出来。

对于这个工作，痛苦的时候真的很痛苦。可是有时候，也会觉得尤其的美好。比如入职前就读hua jing的space, 然后在ktc回头一看一 眼认出的时候，真是惊喜阿。

有时候觉得，要是本科就能进来这个公司，一定会很喜欢。大了一点，就多了很多牵办。不过话又说回来，读大学的时候，那个基本没出过省，到哪都怯生生的人，那时候连这个公司的名字都没听说过呢。。。有得必有失吧。

今天早点睡了，为以后必要的熬夜储备电能量吧。

虽然是酒店，但是要住两个月，感觉也是家一样。

I’ve been las-morochas for six weeks till now, which means 1/13 of my life far away from my family and homecountry has gone. I hope the flollowing days could pass faster and faster. 

During the six months I didn’t write one letter about the life here. It’s not because I’m so busy that have no time to write, but when I can write something freely, I have no internet access and have no even laptop with me. Besides, I feel it’s very hard to explain life in oilfield to people out of this industry, even when I talk it with my family and boyfriend. I remember very clearly the days when I prepared for the entrance exam of graduate school solely, the days changed between confident and anxious, steady and doubtful periodically, the kind of feeling that nobody can really understand your pain and give you effective help except yourself. Through these six weeks I reviewed that pain and feeling, and I think I get more clear about the best way to get rid of a fear is to place yourself in the difficulty and do something. When you begin to deal with it, it will be easier than you imagine.

Now I’ll try to describe my life objectively, and since it’s hard to be objective, it may be the last time I would write about it.

In fact the biggest problem is language barrier. Most people here don’t speak or understand English, even in the company. In the people I have met here, just field engineers and 2 field specialists can speak english with me, all else are just Spanish speaker. And most important, our clients are native oil company and their working language is Spanish of course. As a result, all of meetings, job proposals, documents are used Spanish. For such kind of people lack of  language talent like me, it’s horrible. I use 10 years to learn english and still can’t express myself exactly, it’s not possible to learn spanish quickly. At the beginning I was rather angry why even people who has colledage eduction can’t speak English, why the company don’t tell us Spanish is mandatory here before I came here. Now I can face the fact, but still feel lack of courage to learn a new language from 0. There are too much things I have to learn from 0. So until now, I just can speak simple greeting phrases, and choose to be a dump girl most of time.

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to be continued… When I update this draft, I have been 7 weeks here now. Let me check how much time I can finish this…

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spot announcement

I came back from a job in the Lake which lasted 5 days and finally suspended… Now I’m stuggling with the post-job paperwork. When I escape from graduate school, I thought I can breat out from paper, report. Now, I just find paperwork is so so so important, in whatever job you choose…

I can’t take the notebook back to my staffhouse, and i can’t write blog in work time, and i’m lazy, :) .So I guess it’ll take me very very long time to finish that. For people who concern me, thank you very much! I’m ok, not so negative as my writing appears, :).

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Updated

Compared to language, the other problems seems no big deal, though i believe most of my girl friends, work in tidy and comodious office tower, dress pretty and decent, will never like this job. Before I came here, when I saw the pictures or work videos, pumps, chemicals, noise, oil stain, unpleasant mixed dormitories, I doubted if I can adapt it. But when I came here, get into the barge, all of these seems natural. In fact when I put on the blue coverall, I and the other people forget about my gender. I thought why company choose me to the field for many times. I’m definitely not that kind of person very curious and energetic, eagar to try, learn and explore more new and different things. Now I think Schlumberger may prefer 2 kinds of people, the first is of course that kind i described, the other is not so active, but is responsible and practical, and don’t ask too much about life. I think I may be the second one.

The first month is really difficult. For many resons I couldn’t buy a venezuela simcard until one month later, and since we can’t take laptops back, we don’t have internet home, I can’t use skype in the company network… it’s rather difficult for me to contact my family. Now it’s much better, though other problems come out, :). It seems that everytime I just fix one others will pop out. But from a optimistic view, maybe i can take it as everytime a problem pops out, you can find a way to figure it out finally.

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Updated

Well, I really never thought that I can’t finish it during 3 months preschool…

After the first months, things went on much better. I bought a simcard in Venezuela, and found a way to make cheaper call to China. I think I will never forget when I first got my boyfriend’s call nearly one month after I arrived VE (there is no fix phone in my staff house and I don’t want to use my roomate’s cellphone), the feeling is so complicated, I could say nothing and just crying for half an hour. And then we found even use Skype, the fee is still not nice if call Venezuela cellphone…

Although the language problem still existed, but the people in my base are really nice. My roomate is a very beautiful, intelligent(She doesn’t like people just pay attention to her face, haha, she is already a GFE) and kind girl. For those job supervisors and helpers, although most of them don’t speak English, but they are so consolidate and acute, they could always find some emotional “turbulence” of me and then make jokes to let me laugh. Once I gave them hands to do something, they will say i’m a good partner. That always make me feel guilt bcz I just can help a little. For those guys who can speak English, I always bother them to help with some questions and they are so patient. Sometimes I can’t explain quite well, they also can’t exactly describe what they mean, but they will still try, repeat, to make me clear. And they looks even happier then myself when I finally understand… They are the people who exposed to tough and dangerous enviorment, they are those who do the most exausting job, they are those who on the first line to make contribution. I highly respect them, maybe partially because the father of my boyfriend is also a worker in oilfield, ^_^.

The third month of my preschool was tough again. Because I had to prepare for the entrance exam of OTS, and had so many task lists unfinished. I think I really lack of Initiative. I didn’t know I have to do so many things until I got the letter from OTS 4 weeks before the school. Although most of the tasks could be found in some references, but I didn’t check them or really pay attention, just did what I thought I should do instead. Although I was also a software Engineer. But that “Engineer” is too different with “Engineer” in production industry. I didn’t know I should operate the pumps, pods several times by myself, I didn’t know I should know which kind of oil we use in Powerend…